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current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews | email | notes | host | image | design Spaz Attack Dear Diary, I guess I've got an emotional time-delay or something, because this past week or two I've finally started to get upset over my break up with James. I have been depressed, moping around the house, stalking him on facebook, getting irrationally angry and jealous because he got a new girlfriend within ONE month of us breaking up (after 2 years!). I think it's an ego thing rather than a 'James' thing, as I don't want him back. I just hate that he found someone so quickly, someone that's prettier, blonde and thinner and has now been with for almost 6 months! They say the L word to each other. (Or well he does, she says it to him in french on facebook, the pretentious bint!) I knew I was still angry over the break-up as I thought it was a pretty lame reason to end 2 years together - because I said we wouldn't get married in 10 years time! So yes I was angry, but this depression started with a watch. I found his, which had been missing in my flat for a long time. For some reason it had ended up in the paper recyling box - which had taken me a year to "get around" to sorting out (i.e making sure I hadn't thrown away anything important in the middle of a cleaning fit). Anyway told him I found it, he wanted it back, asked him when would it be best to drop around, and he said anytime. I knew he had a day off on thursday, so I rang him on thursday and asked if it was a convenient time to come over (anyone with half a brain would know it was code for IS YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND THERE OR NOT?) and he said yes it was fine. So I dressed up really nice...not too nice so it would notice...but nice enough for night-college and then drinks afterwards with Stacey (as that was the plan). I also wore an amethyst necklace and bracelet. James, for our 1 year anniversary, bought me an amethyst necklace - a silver celtic style with a small amethyst stone. The one I was wearing was given to me many years ago by my good friend Ed, which is a Large stone in a diamond shape pendant. The bracelet which also had amethyst stones in was something I had bought only a few weeks ago but matched the necklace perfectly. I knew he would notice and I hoped it would make an impact. James doesn't know anything about my life, I'm very careful on facebook - making sure that my relationship status is completely hidden from everyone. No-one knows if I'm in a relationship or not, unless they ask me directly. Anyhoo...my plan was to give him his watch and his drill charger and air some feelings that have pent up since our break up. Every time we have seen each other it's been awkward and polite - two people just tiptoeing around the Giant Elephant. But I know I'm furious and I won't get over that anger until I let him know about it. So it was going to be a nice sit down, have a cup of tea, air my feelings, and then we could become proper friends. Except as I reach his building I start to have (what I realise now) a panic attack. I'd had something similar when I last saw him. My stomach was hurting from it's violent churning, I could barely breathe, my hands were trembling and I was getting seriously hot flushes. I thought "screw it, I can't do this. I'll just give him his stuff and run. I am too much of a coward." To be honest I'm not good with the big emotional confrontations. But I've had them, and dealt with exes and people before and I've never had a panic attack of this size. So I somehow manage to get up to the top of the building and there he is, outside his (closed) front door. I was a little disorientated but I realised that he wasn't going to invite me in! He just wanted it done right there in the hallway! While his neighbour was dilly-dallying, trying to get into his own apartment next door but not too soon so he didn't miss the drama. I flushed some more as it was a little humiliating. I shoved his charger at him (explained what it was after his puzzled look) and rummaged around in my backpack for the watch. While I was doing that he asked how I was, I said good. Then he asked if I had passed my driving test, because "sometimes when I drive past your place I see this blue car there...that wasn't there before...I thought it might be yours." I just stared at him, eyebrows raised and said "Um no...thats not mine..." very quietly. Again my brain refused to function properly. I hoped later that it sounded fairly ambiguious though. So I found the watch and then James said "I would invite you in but Gemma's (his new girlfriend) here..." Which then I flushed even more, partly panicked, partly furious because after all my checking, he still made me come when his girlfriend was on the other side of that closed door....and said it doesn't matter because I gotta run to college...I gave him his watch at him and practically ran down the stairs shouting "byeee" as I left. He sent me a text the next day saying, "Hey, thanks again for dropping my watch in, will have to catch up properly sometime!" Trying to out-cool me....its so obvious. I sent him a text back "Heya, twas no prob. Catching up sometime sounds great." And it went around and around in my head...tormenting me. All of these feelings unsaid, (and I don't mean Love feelings - mostly the angry and hurt feelings) and all of these stupid games we were playing....it went around and around and around.....for days....until I finally sent him a text. "I've been thinking about what you said, I don't think we can be friends James, I'm still too angry. Everytime I see you I get a panic attack. (sooo wish I hadn't put that in there) Maybe in the future but for now I'm moving on as are you." And he didn't reply. I don't know what he could have said back but I know he didn't realise I was angry. I know it suprised him, me taking my gloves off and stopping the game. I get so tired of mind games, I'm a fairly blunt and honest person (sometimes too honest) Life is too short to be messing around with not saying what you want to say. But he didn't text back. At all. I don't know if he knew that it would drive me crazy, but it really did. Then I get suckerpunched. Two days after I sent that text he uploaded an album of just him and his girlfriend. Kissing, hugging, smiling. and his new picture was of the two of them. (I didn't notice this until a week after though, so don't think I'm some freaky obsessive!) James hates pictures being taken! In 2 years we only had one photo because he wouldn't have them with me! Once I had calmed down (after several drinks in a pub and then a few days of rambling to my nearest and dearest) I realised that he did it on purpose. He wanted me there when his girlfriend was in the flat. He wanted me to see those pictures. He was doing it all to wound me. Because in his mind, I am the bad person. He is the victim. I'm the one who grew distant. I'm the one who didn't love him enough. I'm the one who wouldn't marry him. or move in with him. I am the one who apparently broke his heart. I bet he never considers the fact that he broke mine too. I went out drinking with his friend Rob and Angela. And as a final mind game, I got Rory to text me incessantly until Rob asked if it was my "new man". I smiled the smile of a girl in love and said it was. I said his name was Paul. That he's doing his Masters in English in Swansea (we apparently met on an open day). That I'd been only seeing him for 3 months so we're still newish...oh and he has a three year old son named Jesse. I know, such lies I tell. But then I got home and deleted James from my facebook. I'm getting over it. Moving past it. All of this depression and pain and anger is such useless emotion because I don't want him back. He said to his new girlfriend "I love you to." I found him extrememly irritating when we were together and even now when I imagine him in my head - I still find him irritating. So if I don't want him back then I gotta just slap myself, bandage my bruised ego (as thats mostly the problem) and move on. Occasionally I look in the mirror and I think "wow...I'm actually sometimes fairly pretty....I'll be fine, I really will." So for now, I'm fairly reassured that I'm not going to die alone with only my cats to love me. Which is the best I can do, considering my mood lately. Of course now...there's this whole thing with Rory which I won't go into but safe to say...it will be interesting when he comes down on the 20th of November. love
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