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current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews | email | notes | host | image | design How To Stop Dear Diary, I don't know what I'm doing. Lately, I just haven't wanted to be around James at all. I don't want to see him, can barely be bothered to text him...and when I do see him I'm torn between loving him still so much - like a part of me inflates when he's around, and we laugh and have a good time, to generally how much he also bores/irritates me. And it's not the good kind of irritation. I'm not the type of person to stay with someone out of habit, or fear of being alone, or just "fondness." I do actually love him with all my heart, so I can't break up with him. It would destroy both me and him, I don't want to be without him. But I can barely stop myself eyerolling as we have the same conversations over and over again. I almost feel that if we continue the way we are, I will end up killing him, or myself. We even do different things, bowling, meals out, concerts etc...but the conversation is ALWAYS the same. His attitude is always the same...so fucking defensive and emotional, I'm walking around on eggshells so I don't hurt his feelings but I'm a very honest and blunt person...so I always do end up hurting him anyway. I thought to myself that maybe my college course is 2 years instead of 1 before I go to university, so it gives me and James an extra year for our feelings to fizzle out and I move forward in uni. But what if that never happens? What if I'm in the same mess then, as I am now? I couldn't bear to break up with him, I couldn't bear that pain or hurting him that badly, I'm all he has in this world. But what's worse? I'm worried that if I stay with him in university, I'll meet someone who really sets me alight, who challenges me intellectually and I won't be able to keep my distance. Its silly really to worry so far ahead of things that may never be, but at the moment, I'm bored and I have no idea how to rectify that. I have tried talking to him about things I want to talk about but politics and society ends up getting us into an argument because he is exactly opposite of me. Don't even get me started on my own spirituality, he doesn't believe in any of it. So its...motorbikes and tv. Great. I just wish I knew how to stop loving someone. Love
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