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current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews | email | notes | host | image | design Again too Much Dear Diary, Gahh so much has happened! My great aunt died and had to go to Manchester to the funeral Was made redundant from my job My fish were stolen from my flat by my alcoholic neighbour and her drunk friend. Went to Hes Fes for a week of drinking and smoking weed, and sunbathing Took my sister down to London to see my dad and then to Dover to see my auntie and then back up again Went to a psychic who was scarily accurate. He said thigns about my mother and my dad that he wouldn't have known. He said that I have to watch out for a womaniser and that there will be a dark haired man at my new job. That my ex was a liar. And that my mother was at peace. Got a new job at a Housing Association for 2 days a week. My half-brother Mikey has had a baby called Stewart (after Family Guy) and so I'm an auntie and very pleased about it. Amd I'm sort of seeing this guy Paul, who is definitely the womaniser the psychic warned me about. It's absolutely nothing serious, infact its exactly what I need, casual no strings no attachments. He's definitely someone who won't get attached, he has other girls on the go as well. He's pretty dodgy actually, does alot of seriously criminal stuff. If I was his girlfriend I would care but as this is strictly just a bit of fun, I'm not bothered. The only thing thats bothering me right this instant is that we still haven't had sex. It's beem a couple of weeks but things keep getting in the way, he's pretty busy most of the time with 'work' and I had my sister staying with me for 2 weeks. So all it has been is some kissing and he went down on me. Something I don't usually like but wow...to be fair I can tell how much practice he must have had. But I mean come on, one of the main reasons I'm hanging out with him is for sex, and he's holding out on me. I know partly he's doing it on purpose, just to see how impatient I can get. He likes playing power games, something I also enjoy doing. I mean I also like his company, he's quite interesting to talk to because of all of this stuff he's done. It's funny because he's hurt many people in his line of work, but he adores animals, has lots of them, is always rescuing a kitten or a puppy. I find it fascinating to hear about his brutality but to witness the humanity aswell. His whole family is nuts and pretty dangerous. I actually met him when I was with James. Paul's brother Tony kicked James in when we were going to his other brother (Martin's) 21st birthday party. Martin was my friend Jess' boyfriend. The problem is if we're not having sex then I'm more likely to get attached. I do like the guy but I don't want to care about when he's going to text me, or when he might pop over or if he's not shagging me because he's with another girl. I won't feel that way if we're having sex. I don't want to play any games, I don't want to make it more challenging for him (which I was to begin with) I just want to get it over and done with. But then again, I'm going out Saturday night with Laura from my old job. If I can just find someone then and have sex I will calm down a bit with Paul and be able to think rationally. Paul doesn't know how impatient I am yet but I've gone over my waiting limit. Its been possibly 4 and a half months since I've had sex and now I'm ready for anyone. Gosh that sounds bad but I can't help it. 3 months is usually how long it takes to get me a little crazy, and its worse when I've got me and Paul just kissing occasionally. Usually all he does is just pop up for an hour or two, we chat, have some tea, smoke a joint, and then he kisses me before he goes off to do work or pick up some more weed. I know he wants to have sex, its very clear, but either I'm busy with my family or whatever or he's busy. Like tomorrow it would be my mother's birthday, so I'm going to the pub with my nan and my uncle. I don't really want to but I think my nan does, she doesn't want to stay in the house. Ugh i don't know, I don't kn wo what I'm doing. Me and Rory had a big argument over Paul, Rory was drunbk as usual and rang me at 3am shouting the odds about how worried he was for me, because I wasn't acting like myself. I told him he is wrong. This is like myself, before James and my mother's death I was wild, I had casual sex and I went out drinking and I was strong and fiery. These past two years I've been muted, quiet, and felt practically caged. I used to burn instead of flicker and I want that again. Granted I may have been cold when it came to relationships and men, but I also burned with passion. These past two years I've had nothing like that. I've just been lank and tired. Paul is helping me in that way at least, its been so long since I was that person that it's slightly nervewracking to try and step back into it. My confidence still hasn't fully resumed and Paul is a good person to practice with. He doesn't judge, he doesn't care. He's as cold as I am and it's actually ownderful. I had said before that I wanted to find an unfeeling bastard to play with and I got him. Oh he's lovely to me, he carried a coffee table across town for me as a surprise gift, along with curtains. He gave me a thumbring he had found. He told me to wrap up warm when we walked to Sarn incase I got a cold (thats the first time we hung out). He has manners and is very respectful, offers to buy me this and that which I of course decline. But he won't get attached. Which is what I want. Though I do think I'm in a danger a little bit with this one, it may be possible that I'll be the one getting attached. But if thats the case then I'll just end it, easy peasy. After James, I can't be in a relationship again for quite a while. I can't. I am emotionally drained by that guy. Ah well, I will figure it all out eventually. love
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